Politicians, actors, athletes, members of the clergy. The stories of infidelity seem to be unrelenting. As the stories swirl, women sneer with righteous indignation and men snicker at the carelessness of the discovered one. We all sit around and purport to know the circumstances: men are just dogs/he couldn't love his wife and do that to her; the wife was miserable/had gained a lot of weight/must have driven him to it/she would never have done that to him; the other woman is a jezebel/was just looking for somebody to mind her/must have known he was married/knows he's not going to leave his wife.
Some of that may be true some of the time, but those assumptions have become mostly part of love lore - the myths that help to make relationships and their breakdown easier to explain and understand. If we are to be honest with ourselves though, most of us will admit that life and love are never cut and dry, black and white, or easily comprehended.
It seems that every woman we know has been cheated on and we all know men who are perpetual cheats, but rest easy, your husband is not likely to cheat on you. According to The Kinsey Institute for Research in Sex, Gender, and Reproduction between 65 and 85 percent of husbands have no partners other than their wives during the duration of their marriage. True, the number is not great, but it is better than we usually give men credit for. The Kinsey Institute also reports that 20 percent of wives have had at least one extramarital affair. The secret is out, 0ne in five married women have gotten some on the side.
Books have been written on why men cheat, and I haven't heard any conclusive answers yet. I think it is fair to assume that they don't all have the same reason. No doubt opportunity is a high ranking reason, but since they are human I'm going to also assume that sometimes it has to do with emotions - understanding that emotions include arrogance, covetousness, and lust as well as like/love. For women, we generally assume that sex and the heart go hand-in-hand. While it is true that most women's vajay-jays are directly connected to their heart strings, women sleep with men for all kinds of reasons. Infatuation, companionship, a listening ear, a complimentary tongue, a healthy wallet, or a tight butt are often just enough.
Most cheating wives and husbands go to great lengths to keep their affairs secret: seedy motels, morse code phone rings, cash-only transactions, voicemail messages without a name, and a plethora of evolving lies. If the idea was to hurt the spouse why go through all that trouble? Most cheaters would not go through with it if they knew they would be found out and that their home life would be disrupted. Philanderers weigh the risk of getting caught and take their chances. It has nothing to do with how much they love or don't live their spouse. Barring extraordinary situations, any one who is unhappily married gets out. In the same manner, married folks want to be married. The answer to a bad or unhappy marriage is not an affair and everybody knows that.
It is so easy to vilify the other woman (or man). The same people who say men are dogs seem hesitant to believe that they would lie about being married or the health of their marriage. I have heard the stories of maneaters who only date married men, but I believe most people don't want to be on the sidelines of their relationships. Sometimes it takes ignored ultimatums and broken promises to clarify the facts, but given a choice - and all the information - the other woman (or man) will likely pack up her heart and her hopes and move on.
The point is that we don't always know what's going on. More of us have secrets than are willing to admit. Love is messy, unpredictable and not void of pitfalls. For most of us it is hard enough to figure out and manuever our own hearts and relationships. We would be best served not to be quick to judgment of the hearts and affairs of others.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
Monday, December 7, 2009
The Tiger-sized cost of your entertainment
For the last week, it has been almost impossible to listen to the radio or watch the television without listening to speculation about Tiger Woods' driving or getting the latest count on possible mistresses. The media - even the so-called legitimate sources - has been unrelenting in the pursuit of the salacious details of the golfer's life. Of course the pursuit is for only the best reasons: Tiger owes the public an explanation, he's a role model, genuine concern for the "children caught in the middle." Bull!
I was not there when Tiger made his vows to his wife. And I am going to go out on a limb and assume you weren’t there either. His marriage vows are between him, his wife and God. If he breaks those vows he owes me no explanations - unless he took my husband with him on one of his rendezvous.
Tiger holds no public office. He is not being accused of using public funds to pay for his dalliances. He is not being accused of breaking any laws. On what basis do we dare demand any explanations for his actions?
The role model argument is pulled out every time someone famous misbehaves. There is not much hope for future generations if the best we can do by way of role models for our children are public figures whose moral bearings are unknown to us. If D1 or D2 becomes interested in golf it would make sense to me to direct them to pattern Tiger’s game. On matters of right and wrong, of morality and ethics though, their examples must come from those closer to home.
I am not convinced that Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood or Nancy Grace really care about the well-being of Tiger and Erin Woods' small children. If they were, they would leave the Woods alone to resolve their marital issues without interference, instead of creating hours of speculative and sensational coverage for their children to find on the internet when they are older.
Men and women cheat on their spouses every day. Most do not get found out by TMZ, the National Enquirer or Us Weekly. Most get to make amends far from public glare. Most get to resolve marital issues without entertainment reporters weighing in. Tiger and his wife – and those children every one claims to be concerned about – are paying a woeful price for the entertainment of the masses.
Of course there is the argument that all is fair with a public figure. Tiger the golfer is a public figure. Tiger the husband and father has not courted the media. In fact, off the golf course it seems he has gone out of his way to preserve his privacy. His wife doesn’t even hit golf balls. All she did was marry Tiger Woods. Neither of them deserves to have their lives dissected on Entertainment Report.
Whether the media has provided because the masses expect, or the masses expect because the media has provided I am not sure, but we have become accustomed to seeing the most vulnerable slices of celebrities’ lives splayed on the internet and television. We have become blood thirsty for the juicy details of drug relapses, affairs, divorces, and scandals, without thought to the humans behind the stories.
Yes, the media is at fault, but you are the market. No market, no product. This is one of those situations when we should ask the question we often ask our children: How would you feel if somebody did that to you?
I was not there when Tiger made his vows to his wife. And I am going to go out on a limb and assume you weren’t there either. His marriage vows are between him, his wife and God. If he breaks those vows he owes me no explanations - unless he took my husband with him on one of his rendezvous.
Tiger holds no public office. He is not being accused of using public funds to pay for his dalliances. He is not being accused of breaking any laws. On what basis do we dare demand any explanations for his actions?
The role model argument is pulled out every time someone famous misbehaves. There is not much hope for future generations if the best we can do by way of role models for our children are public figures whose moral bearings are unknown to us. If D1 or D2 becomes interested in golf it would make sense to me to direct them to pattern Tiger’s game. On matters of right and wrong, of morality and ethics though, their examples must come from those closer to home.
I am not convinced that Entertainment Tonight, Access Hollywood or Nancy Grace really care about the well-being of Tiger and Erin Woods' small children. If they were, they would leave the Woods alone to resolve their marital issues without interference, instead of creating hours of speculative and sensational coverage for their children to find on the internet when they are older.
Men and women cheat on their spouses every day. Most do not get found out by TMZ, the National Enquirer or Us Weekly. Most get to make amends far from public glare. Most get to resolve marital issues without entertainment reporters weighing in. Tiger and his wife – and those children every one claims to be concerned about – are paying a woeful price for the entertainment of the masses.
Of course there is the argument that all is fair with a public figure. Tiger the golfer is a public figure. Tiger the husband and father has not courted the media. In fact, off the golf course it seems he has gone out of his way to preserve his privacy. His wife doesn’t even hit golf balls. All she did was marry Tiger Woods. Neither of them deserves to have their lives dissected on Entertainment Report.
Whether the media has provided because the masses expect, or the masses expect because the media has provided I am not sure, but we have become accustomed to seeing the most vulnerable slices of celebrities’ lives splayed on the internet and television. We have become blood thirsty for the juicy details of drug relapses, affairs, divorces, and scandals, without thought to the humans behind the stories.
Yes, the media is at fault, but you are the market. No market, no product. This is one of those situations when we should ask the question we often ask our children: How would you feel if somebody did that to you?
Sunday, December 6, 2009
Job = Independence?
"I buy my own diamonds and I buy my own rings.
Only call your celly when I'm feeling lonely;
When it's all over, please get up and leave..." - Destiny's Child
The word's of soulster Ne-Yo's Ms. Independent are similarly lauding of women who pay their own way - "She's got her own thing, that's why I love her."
I've always thought of myself as independent. I always offered to split the bill on dates, paid for my own trips and leisure. I have never asked or expected any man to pay my way. I, have in fact, looked down on women who expected their rent to be paid by any man who slept in their bed. Since getting married 10 years ago, my husband and I have paid our household expenses from a common pool, but I was free to buy a new dress or pair of shoes if I was so inclined.
After being a stay-at-home mom of circumstances for more than a year, the idea of female independence has been nagging at me. Now that I rely completely on my husband financially, can I still consider myself independent? Of course, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There's not supposed to be any yours and mine - or at least that's what my husband assures me. That's all well and good, but then how do I assert my independence?
Finding my place in my new life has been hard. My children seem to like seeing me at their schools all the time and have even stopped asking me if I'm going to find a job. My husband has not set rules or pulled rank at all, and even pushes me to make the most of my 'free' time. I still feel uncomfortable. I hate filling out forms that ask for my profession and/or work number. My stomach tightens everytime someone asks me what I do, and I always say "When I was in Florida, I worked..."
I got all the lessons of feminism, but I never learned how to be comfortably reliant. I am, however, slowly realizing I have been asking the wrong question. Rather than trying to figure out how to assert my independence, I should be determining what means independence to me. I can decide independence shouldn't be just about money - or the ability to buy my own diamonds. Now if I can only figure what it is about I can stop feeling like a bum everytime I see another woman in a jewelry store.
Only call your celly when I'm feeling lonely;
When it's all over, please get up and leave..." - Destiny's Child
The word's of soulster Ne-Yo's Ms. Independent are similarly lauding of women who pay their own way - "She's got her own thing, that's why I love her."
I've always thought of myself as independent. I always offered to split the bill on dates, paid for my own trips and leisure. I have never asked or expected any man to pay my way. I, have in fact, looked down on women who expected their rent to be paid by any man who slept in their bed. Since getting married 10 years ago, my husband and I have paid our household expenses from a common pool, but I was free to buy a new dress or pair of shoes if I was so inclined.
After being a stay-at-home mom of circumstances for more than a year, the idea of female independence has been nagging at me. Now that I rely completely on my husband financially, can I still consider myself independent? Of course, marriage is supposed to be a partnership. There's not supposed to be any yours and mine - or at least that's what my husband assures me. That's all well and good, but then how do I assert my independence?
Finding my place in my new life has been hard. My children seem to like seeing me at their schools all the time and have even stopped asking me if I'm going to find a job. My husband has not set rules or pulled rank at all, and even pushes me to make the most of my 'free' time. I still feel uncomfortable. I hate filling out forms that ask for my profession and/or work number. My stomach tightens everytime someone asks me what I do, and I always say "When I was in Florida, I worked..."
I got all the lessons of feminism, but I never learned how to be comfortably reliant. I am, however, slowly realizing I have been asking the wrong question. Rather than trying to figure out how to assert my independence, I should be determining what means independence to me. I can decide independence shouldn't be just about money - or the ability to buy my own diamonds. Now if I can only figure what it is about I can stop feeling like a bum everytime I see another woman in a jewelry store.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)